I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
