Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
