The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
