The maid of honor just puked.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
