Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
