My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
