Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
