so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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