He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
