Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
