He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
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the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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