There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
