As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
