you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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