yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
