I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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