I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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