did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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