im about as happy as oj after his trial
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
