Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
