Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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