tell your sister to shave her snatch
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Pants are for mortals
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
