She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
