My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
