my phone needs a breathalizer
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
