The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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