hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
