I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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