i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
