When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
