I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
