Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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