When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
