You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
