no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
