I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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