Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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