Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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