Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
