She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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