I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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