I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Green mimosas i think yes
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
