I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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