I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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