can u get pink eye on your cock?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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