He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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