I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
