It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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