That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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