and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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