I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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