Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
