I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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