so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
