I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
