I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
