I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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