The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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